“I tried to get out early this morning, to beat the heat, and the crowds, and my effort was successful enough, I guess. My first day in a while not tied to showing up somewhere at a particular time, or fulfilling obligations. I allow, no demand, days of no stress, even if I have to create them artificially, by shoving bills, hand-written notes or snarky emails, off my radar. So many good things are happening in my life that I feel I’ve earned the right, to silence the peanut gallery and proceed cautiously, into a state of self acceptance, even calm appreciation, for all my accomplishments of late. But I’ll never be giddy, no not ever again. They say “pride cometh before a fall”, but for me, its the feeling that I’m covered, that I have safety, that’s always going to come under scrutiny. I’ve trusted the wrong people, time and time again. However, there is maybe a place to stand, or sit, where solidity is not dependent on others. The most incredible points of resolution, repose, and confidence, are more likely about flying untethered, beyond anybody’s. praise, indifference, or condemnation. I feel that now, deeply. Walking away from my truck and towards the food coop, on this day that, inexplicably has so much more breathing room, I can inhale the happiness of fresh bread baking at the bagel shop, which tells me I’m not suffering doubt or anguish. I’m free, I’m a citizen on the planet earth, enjoying a simple pleasure. How infrequently this has been mine, to enjoy. My life has been constantly under the gun. Call it karma, bad luck, the curse of an evil eye, or merely my own deluded trajectory towards wrong-headed goals. Who knows. Some of us live in a state of constant hyper-vigilance, always expecting the worst, living in fear of the next blow. But I would say that after a lifetime dedicated to digging in the dirt, laying under trees, picking apart flowers for love advice, climbing voluntarily into lost ravines, befriending animals, caring for children, and playing guitar under the most unimaginable circumstances, I’m doing better than average. My idea of a good time is trying to mow grass that’s too tall, with a lawn mower that stalls out every few feet, after a massive round of weed whacking, over lumpy, wet ground. When a sudden swarm of dragonflies coalesces around me, artfully dodging every which way, up, down and sideways - after bugs? I have to pause. I don’t usually find myself surrounded, in this way, by anything related to dragons. The internet wants to tell me it’s about transformation, and breaking thru illusions and old habits. I might instead, come to my own conclusions, thank you. Which is that we have to stop feeding on stale information. We have to take things in, and notice what we love. Wings, transparency, hover-ability, grace. That’s a whole lot of stuff, I really, really could use.”
